The World Changer

its been way too long…

Wow its been way too long since I’ve been on tumbler… sorry bout that, to whoever reads any of this stuff.  Well…lets see… I got a new job (yay) as a pharmacy technician at krogers… so now any future job rants will probably be pharmacy related.  Um… the homefront still sucks, except now I am currently seeing a psychologist… that may be good or bad, I haven’t figured that out yet.  Hopefully it will stop some anxiety, and maybe I will figure out a devious plan to get the hell out of my house… not sure yet.  I am taking an antidepressant for my anxiety… and let me just say I’ve only been on it for a week and all I feel is TIRED and LOOPY, haha.  Oh Citalopram 20mg.  I’m also secretly taking birth control pills… ah yay now I won’t freak everytime after we have sex!  Ha, my parents have no idea, thank god.  Um… what else is new… OH YEAH!!!!  All of us bridesmaids finally found our dress!  And I picked it out, I must say, ha.  Its going to be a dark purple, it is tea-length… and it is really flirty and frilly at the bottom, strapless at the top, and I’m so excited now!  The only problem is I will have to get the strapless part altered, my boobs are too small :(  Ha but it is pretty awesome.  Um…what else?  I am currently highly considering dying my hair black.  Oh, and i know exactly what tattoo I want, just now is the question of when to get it done.  I’m soooo broke, I need money so bad  :( 

Its days like this…

Its days like this when I miss so many people, and mourn so much.

Wolfie, aka Pete… miss ya bunches buddy, even though we were only online friends, you helped me through a lot, gave it your all, even when you were struggling a great deal… I hope you are at peace now, but I wish you could see just how much you’re missed and loved… RIP buddy <3

Leigh… Miss you lots… i wish i could somehow repay you, but I know you’re one of God’s angels sent to help me and now I can do it on my own and don’t need you anymore… though sometimes I wish I still did… still wish we could be friends, but I guess a part of me will always wish that… I just dream that I will be half as great of a counselor as you were to me… maybe I can save someone’s life like you saved mine… that I will never be able to ever thank you enough for but thank you so much <3

Jet… best dog ever, still miss you buddy, RIP <3

My naive 18 year old self… sometimes I wish I was you again… back before when I was innocent and never hurt… miss it alot… miss how trusting I was of other people and miss how I could love without the hurt inside… miss the youth… guess I just have memories now <3

Oh Sexuality.

It took a long time to realize this.  It started a long time ago.  But damn, isn’t the human body beautiful? 

It was awhile ago that I started noticing my attraction towards not just guys, but good looking women as well.  It was a weird sort of feeling, and I became very confused for awhile about it.  The questions circled my head. 

 ”What does this mean?  Am I bi?  Do I like girls as much as guys?  Does this mean that I am not attracted to my boyfriend as much as I thought I was?  Should I tell someone?  Should I act on it?  What would my parents think?  What about my friends?  Will they just laugh and accept it?  Will they think of me differently?  What if I am not really attracted to guys?  But it is normal to think other girls are pretty, right?”

I told my boyfriend about it, and he even responded with, “that is hot.”  And we fantasized about three-somes.  Eventually I decided that I wanted to fulfill my curiousity.  I wanted to know what it was like to kiss a girl.  I fantasized about a “friends with benefits” or “one night stand” sort of fling with another girl.  I even responded to an ad on craigslist, and told the sended a little about myself (but was majorly careful not to tell personal contact information). 

I told my boyfriend about this, expecting him to be as excited as I was.  But as I was telling him about it, I noticed that his reaction was not what I expected.  Instead of being excited, he was catious and slightly worried.  He admitted he was a little jealous and he didn’t really want me to be with anyone else while we were dating, even if it was another girl.

I realized at that moment that even I was sounding selfish and self-absorbed.  I was only caring about my self-gratification, and I wasn’t even thinking about whether or not I would be hurting another human being’s feelings.  I wasn’t thinking about my boyfriend’s feelings and I wasn’t thinking about this girl’s feelings.  I realized then that sexuality does not matter.  What matters is the choice.  I had a choice, and I had already chose my boyfriend.  I knew that without a doubt, he was the one I was destined to be with.  I loved him. 

Even if my boyfriend was perfectly okay with me exploring my sexuality sexually, it would be harming our relationship together, as well as my own dignity.  If I went out with this girl, I would be harming her as well because I would just be playing with her emotions.  I would be hurting my dignity by getting myself caught up in an emotional affair.  I realized that it does not matter that I would be with a girl and my boyfriend.  I would still be harming both of them; I would still be having an emotional affair with both of them.  That is not right.  Humans are very emotional beings, and so we need to protect those emotions of the ones we love. 

Homosexuality, heterosexuality, and bisexuality are just words that describe our chemical attractions to a particular gender, or genders.  They do not matter.  What matters is the fact that we must choose who it is we are willing to sacrifice everything for to love, and who we are going to let be. 

I am not going to respond back to that ad, and I am not going to busy myself on thinking about those curiousities or fantasies.  Sometimes there is a reason we settled down and grow up.

Yes I feel like I am slowly becoming one of those girls…

But I can’t help it :’(  He is on a retreat this weekend, I hope he has a great time :)  But lately with his and my work schedules, we haven’t really gotten to see each other much in like 3 weeks :(  Sigh… oh if i could rip my heart out i would

I love how…

I go home after going to the prospective student session for the social work masters program at my top school that I like and tell my parents excitedly about it, and all my mom cares about is that my brother goes to school with one of the members of Sugarland’s cousin.  Like wow, really.  And then when they do act interested, all they do is tell me that I better “hurry up and make sure that I get a chance to talk to the other schools” and that I really need to “start taking this grad school stuff seriously, the deadlines will come up quick.”  What part of me telling my parents excitedly all about the informative session is not taking this grad school stuff seriously?  Like wtf? And then they wonder why I am angry?